Wanted: An Organic Spouse

Not me; I am settled! I mean you, because are young, single and available. Thing is, people are getting increasingly dissatisfied with their bodies. No thanks to the media that is busy making people in the image of the film stars, super models and beauty contestants that is the fare and hallmark of popular culture. And couch potatoes do not just watch, they try it at home; damn the admonition that prefaces difficult tasks and challenges performed by professionals and experts. Any wonder the epidemic of bulimia and anorexia as well as intensive exercise regiment so that one can have the figure of a model; preferably 8 for females and 6 pack for males.

Manufacturers of slimming pills and medicines as well as muscle building concoctions and the medication that ensures that you gain the desired inches are having a field day. The hedonistic, materialistic life style that defines us has spawned a whole industry whose spin offs includes waxing, boob job, booty job, lip job, nose job, Botox, Steroids and enhancement etc. I read a poster once that indicated that enhancement was a process, not an event, so go with our product. The cheek of it all!

Basically, people are becoming genetically modified (GM) creatures. I knew there was something in them GM foods! That is why I am of the considered view that in classifieds as well as dating sites we may soon begin to move away from lonely hearts seeking love, Black girl seeking a Caucasian man, White girl seeking the Black athletic type, recently divorced seeking stable and reliable partner, older males/females on the look out for young, vibrant lovers … to people actually specifying that in addition to the usual honesty, reliability, sensitivity, companionship and the unspoken but implied fat back account, sexual prowess …, that interested persons should be wholly organic!

Let me break it down. Being organic means being exactly how God made you; warts and all - Fat legs, big hips, oblong face, curly hair, thick African lips, thin Caucasian lips, kinky African hair, curly black Indian hair, Chinese eyes, full colour (as in green, yellow, blue, indigo, orange and what have you) White eyes, receding hairline, bow legs, short, thin, fat, tall, Chinese ears, full African booty (as if on steroids), flat Caucasian and Japanese booty (as if they were hit by a plank), Jewish hooked nose, Black flat nose, White pointed nose, small, medium, large and XXXL body sizes. Warts is just a figure of speech, the Maker deliberately went for variety in body sizes and looks to deliberately spice up our lives. But when we become one-dimensional human beings; what is there to choose from?

Mark my words about specification for spouses and give me the credit when the world turns round to demand the organic. But then, am I also among the prophets?

The snooping habits of journalism, media and communication students: Teachers beware

Having been a student of mass communication and now a teacher of the same subject, one can’t help but be amazed by the level of curiosity that this discipline engenders in those who have been bitten by the bug of journalism, media and communication (JMC). My students, naturally and instinctively, scan my desk any time they come for consultation in my office and I suspect that they are on the lookout for news worthy items. You can search me for the outlet that will want to publish such boring stuff: because there are no sex, lies and videotapes here!
Telling them the story I picked up some time back to the effect that Americans train spies so that they can go spy on other countries on behalf of their principal; the moral being that we train journalists so that they can go snoop on others not us, their hapless teachers, does not seem to make too much of a difference. Old habits do, indeed, die hard.
I suppose the up side is that we as teachers are doing our job too well. It is said that the purpose of education would have been achieved if the attitudes and behaviours learnt under instruction continue after the instruction has seized. The snooping habit of our students starts from the time of instruction and develops horns and hoofs even before they graduate!
So, if you are a JMC educator, the moment you hear a knock on your office door and students walk in clear your desk immediately if you do not want to cry foul about invasion of privacy as their eyes rove all over thus detracting from the important discussion at hand. But, before they leave point them to government offices, the private sector etc as avenues for them to ply the trade you have taught them. Hopefully, one day, we shall overcome by getting them to snoop outside and not on us.
A parting shot: I have two words for governments, newsworthy persons and organizations seeing the level of monitoring/close marking that we JMC teachers are subjected to by our very own students – brace yourselves!

GPS and my Driving Experience in Botswana and South Africa

When I wanted to drive to South Africa (SA) recently, a breath of fresh air from my usual flying, I was naturally concerned about how I would find my way around, until a friend told me to get a GPS device (I wish to assure you this is not a sale's pitch or an advertisement even though it sounds like one; one of the few times when it walks, sounds, quacks and taste, yummy, yummy like a duck but it is not one). Now where was I before that long digression? My trip to SA. So I abandoned the road maps; really, a candidate for the museum in this days of IT.

I shell out two thousand five hundred Pula (about $400) for the device mount it on my dash board and off I go. "Turn left at the rotary and follow A1 for 400 kilometers (Kms)" and similar commands in a female American voice (my preference over and above the stodgy British and Afrikaans laced English accent) until a matter of fact: "You have reached your destination" statement; which, if you ask me, is stating the obvious being on the lookout anyway.

You can't but be impressed with the device as it plots your way to your destination giving the approximate time you would arrive (provided
you are not involved in an accident; my life is in your hands, O Lord). It recalculates the arrival time if there is a traffic jam or other delays. It also gives a clear indication of the road with various twists and turns so you know when to overtake that annoying truck billowing thick, black smoke in front of your car for the past thirty minutes.

Even when you need to drive around a foreign town, you have no need for those annoying persons who tell you "go straight ahead, turn right at the intersection and then left again', instead of admitting that they do not know the street you are looking for. Also, the GPS unit tells you where all the speed traps are so that you drive within the speed limit in those places. You can plot a route that avoids all the SA toll gates; but be ready for some not-too-smooth road for your troubles.

Now, to it's weaknesses. It is not able to inform you of the mobile speed traps like the ones used in Botswana. It tells you to go on even if the road has been temporarily closed. And when you follow the digression, it annoyingly reminds you to "turn around as soon as you can" while the arrow points out that you are going in the wrong direction for the past twenty Kms, for good measure.

And a friendly advice: Don't use it in Botswana if you do not want to get lost. Let me share a personal experience. I was invited to Molepolole and told to use the first Engen Petrol station as a landmark to get my bearings. I dutifully typed in Engen, Molepolole. Guess where the GPS Unit led me to? Engen Petrol station, Mogoditshane. Based on this experience, I limit my use to finding the main road from tricky side roads and then switch it off and follow the road signs. So far, I can tell you, so good.

The manufacturer expects you to go on the Internet to buy more up-to-date road maps so that you can drive with greater peace of mind because as they say "7% of the road has since changed". "Tell me something new",I quip. I will make do with the road as it is until it hit the 50% mark. I mean, the world is just coming out of recession and every thebe, kobo, shilling and cent counts!

The Euphoria of Google in Setswana

Batswana and other Tswana speakers are understandably over the moon with the launch of Google service in Setswana. How to know? Sign into your Gmail account from Botswana and what you encounter first are all the messages and direction that would guide you into Gmail, scholar, search and whatever else you do in Google all in Setswana. As a non-Tswana speaker, I’ve had to grope my way around the site and I consistently miss my Gmail link. I try to remember where the link is from the old days when everything was in English. And because I’ve never had to memorize this placement in the past, this strategy does not seem to work. So, I move on to my back up plan. What sounds very much like mail in (from my little knowledge of) Setswana, Kaedi? Wrong again. (I know, I know, I should have made an effort to learn the language, but let’s drive away the fox first before we blame the chicken for wandering too far afield). So I move from link to link until, thank God for little mercies, I finally happen upon English (that colonial language again) with palpable relief and then proceed to find my way around with renewed confidence.

From my little knowledge of Setswana, Batswana (citizens of Botswana, not Botswanans; take note Asians, Americans, Europeans and non-SADC Africans, especially Nigerians!) prefer the spoken to the written version of the language. My research assistant in a survey research I did in Botswana some time back insisted that we print fewer copies of the Setswana version of the study instrument because Batswana characterize the written version as difficult to read. And he did return most of the Setswana copies unfilled unlike the English version. It seems people prefer to be read the questionnaire items than reading and reacting to same. If this experience is anything to go, it may well be that after the initial feeling of national pride, at this Google’s public relations and marketing coup, Batswana may well want their (English) Google page back. Out of curiosity though, which (Setswana) spelling version does Google favour (Dumela, Dumelang)? Over to you Tswana speakers!

I have always maintained that the Tower of Babel biblical account must have taken place here in the African continent. Look at the multiplicity of languages all around us. While Google must be commended for the Setswana initiative as this is guaranteed to keep the language alive, what of the rest of the languages in the continent that are slowly becoming extinct because they are not Bible, Catechism, UN or official languages etc? May be it is about time we started to deploy IT in the task of preserving African languages and culture. I, for one, would be willing to buy an Ibibio language software package that can teach my children my language. A parental task, I must admit, my wife and I have failed at. I take solace in the fact that older couples from the same ethnic stock living far from home are in the same boat as yours truly. And the way today’s children have embraced IT, it will qualify as cool learning local languages this way.

President Jonathan’s visit to Akwa Ibom State: The fallouts, the moral.

There was a robust debate online about whether or not President Jonathan endorsed the sitting Governor of Akwa Ibom State in his comments when he visited the state recently. The gist of the debate involved accusations and counter accusations about the performance of the governor given that Akwa Ibom State gets the largest allocation among the thirty six federating units and his second term ambitions. Throw in issues of ethnicity, name calling, the kidnapping saga … and eureka you get a very clear picture. The whole brouhaha about endorsement is a throwback to the conviction that without this (not the voters who wear the shoes and feel the pinch, if any!) the incumbent would not make it at the polls.

The ethnicity question is really my concern here and you can extrapolate my thinking to the Nigerian nation; the choice is yours. The governor is from the minority Annang ethnic group and there are charges that he is promising to deliver the governorship title to other minority groups like the Oron, Eket … to spite the Ibibios who he perceives to be more stridently opposed to his second term ambitions. Again, voters are not factored into the equation when democracy involves the minority having their say and the majority having their way.

Like Achebe, the distant kinsman is a brother in a far country. Akwaibomites living outside of the state regard themselves as brothers and sisters, and the common term is akobusem (if you are expecting me to get the spelling right, you must have another think coming having never lived in the state for up to a year continually at any given time). The Ibibio language that I speak is the real mother tongue (from my parents, of course). I did pick up a few words during my undergraduate days at the University of Calabar but I did also notice that the Efik speakers looked down on my brand of Lagos Ibibio while seeming to understand the Uyo etc brand so I had to tuck in my neck and speak English as much as possible to avoid being corrected over and over again. I was pleasantly surprised when my mother came to visit once and I could hear her speak fluent Efik for the first time to a cab driver. I also recall going to visit my Aunt in the village and she commented on my code switching with something like “you can’t even speak proper Efik (not Ibibio which we all speak)”.

Our oneness as a people came out clearly during one of my long distance bus trips to Uyo. A quarrel ensued between two of the passengers on the bus. I could feel for the lady as she launched into Ibibio to verbally abuse her opponent. He quickly switched from the Ibibio he was speaking to Oron language (I presume, which was Greek to me) which he was more comfortable with for the purpose of hitting back. The lady screamed at him to speak the language she could understand and the other passengers who could follow both languages insisted that it was OK since he was speaking an Akwa Ibom language. Talk of another Lagos Akwaibomite in addition to yours truly.

The plot thickens. My late in – laws are an interesting example. My father – in –law was from the Annang ethnic group and my mother – in – law was from Eket and they lived in Lagos almost all their lives. As a compromise, my wife and her siblings learnt and speak the neutral (for their purpose) Ibibio language. Of course, my wife is proud of her Eket roots and tries to dazzle me once in a while with some Eket (as opposed to Annang) words. At home, we speak English and Ibibio; and Yoruba if we do not want Akwa Ibom people around us to understand what we are saying. If we do not want the children to be privy to our discussion we speak Ibibio although my eldest daughter is picking up, maybe we should try Yoruba; what do you think?

Another case in point, my traditional wedding was in Lagos and we tried to replicate as much as possible how it is done in the motherland. In fact, when I told some people in Uyo that we did our traditional wedding in Lagos they insisted that we got it all wrong; it should have taken place in Akwa Ibom state. My response: It is a free world and everyone is entitled to their opinions. I mean look at the Yorubas, who do traditional weddings of their sons and daughters using pictures of the couple who are domiciled abroad and the Heavens do not fall. How does the venue add or detract from the marital bliss which should be the natural outcome of the married state? You can search me too.

The moral is that we have lived together for too long to allow politicians and other self serving persons to play up our differences to Rwanda and Burundi us in this towering Babel of ethnicities and languages that is Akwa Ibom state, Nigeria and Africa.

Now that President Jonathan is on facebook

As a matter of academic and professional interest, I have been following GEJ, that is the trademark sign off of the President on his facebook page and of course also browsing through comments and views of Nigerians. Let me declare my interest promptly: I teach media and communication outside the country and I have been racking my brain as regards what to research on about Nigeria for the numerous conferences and publication that await! I do not deserve your pity; my choice of career was self-inflicted. So the activities on this facebook page was a God sent. I refuse to divulge the slant of my research so that other academics don’t beat me to the gun.

One comment did stand out though; when a Nigerian posted that whoever is impersonating the president and deceiving Nigerians by writing on the page should stop forthwith. A poignant commentary about the arrogance of our past leaders who were completely insulated from the daily lives, struggles and challenges of their compatriots. So, some Nigerians can’t in their wildest imagination see the Nigerian head of state relating directly to the people. In the part of the world where I live it is a pleasant surprise that the political movers and shakers mix with the people; go to the same shopping malls and people don’t bat an eyelid when they see them. These leaders have learnt their lessons quite well: You climb on your high horse, like the award winning Axe commercial model to tell the ladies how their man should smell, and you are voted out. Where to view the axe commercial? YouTube, you technophobic reader! That Nigerians are hungry for this kind of conversation is apparent from the increasing number of persons who like the page and keep commenting.

Of course the president cannot possibly read all the comments. Even I am struggling with the few friends I have on facebook, twitter and Foursquare. If I need to meet a deadline, I forget to check in at the tennis club where I am mayor on Foursquare, forget to tweet for weeks and black out facebook. To my peeps on facebook this explains why I did not send you birthday wishes. Next year will offer another opportunity. Of course I do all these to keep in touch but also, as an academic, I do not want to become a museum piece in the area of media and communication. I won’t bore you with the apps I have downloaded from the iTunes store and how I do not have a need for many of them and how my children have invaded my iPhone space. When I get the iPad, remind me to upload the video on YouTube of my five year old listening to old - fashioned bedtime stories by swiping her hands to turn the pages of my iPhone.

But this provides a good opportunity for the many media and communication graduates to get off their butts and play a role in the communication machinery of government. Away with the fixation of hiring former journalists as communication and public relations executives and their narrow media relations outlook! To my former students, you can see I am rooting for you, so carry go! So they can go through the various postings and give an executive summary to the president. And the president, just like other statesmen/women who pretend to have written the speeches they deliver at the UN, will then respond to Nigerians’ concerns. His re-election will then be guaranteed by the people not by Godfathers whose only credential is stuffing stolen ballot boxes and, as a reward, getting hefty pay offs from the state treasury. Just like the sad ending of the silent movies’ era, where some talented persons had to move over with the coming of sound, these relics would be consigned to the dustbin of history with the envisaged electoral reforms, like the good looking stars with squeaky voices.

All government setups will also have to have email addresses and facebook pages so that Nigerians can complain/commend service provided. If this was in place, I would have posted my disenchantment with the goings on at the Nigerian High Commission in Johannesburg where my wife, our four little children (ala I have a dream) and I were subjected to a grueling and distasteful experience last December in our quest for the ePassport after traveling down from a neighbouring country. In the same vein, I would have also posted how the collection of the ePassport experience went smoothly like a well-oiled wheel. This way, all the arrogance, bribery, tribalism etc would be exposed and this might even be the beginning of the revolution that would be agreeable to Nwabueze and Danjuma. Shi kena.