Timothy’s Upbringing

Narrator:  In this playlet, the story of Timothy has been given a modern rendering.  This modern iteration of the young minister’s life story traces his family background, career choice, challenges in Bible School and ministry.  The moral being that a godly family environment goes a long way in building character, godly personality as well as success in ministry.  Enjoy

Act 1 Scene 1

Dad:       Darling, today’s match between Mancity and ManU was totally awesome.  Balotelli scored a critical goal lifted his jersey to reveal his vest which had the inscription “Why always me” and this started to trend on Twitter.

Mum:    (Quizzical look on her face) Men and football!  Balo who?

Dad:       (Getting all excited) You will not believe what people came up with using that hashtag: “When I finally made it to University, the Loans’ Board stops funding my course #Why always me”

“When Kanumba finally chooses me for a Bongo movie role, he passes on and I have to start licking boots all over again #Why always me.”

Mum:    (Not to be outdone) You should have watched today’s Nollywood film.  Genievie Nnaji falls in love with Emeka Ike, (wistfully) so, so romantic.  You know, it reminded me of when we first met ….

Dad:       I stopped watching Nollywood the day a coffin was opened and the corpse was sweating! About us, why have these directors no thought it fit to feature our love story, I am sure it will be a box office hit with you playing all that hard to get stuff and making me sweat when you were interested from the word “go”.

Mum:  (Surprised) I never knew you existed until you started pestering me about me being the only sugar in your tea, butter on your bread and life being meaningless without the colour I add …. Where do men get all these stuff from?

Dad: The important thing is that it worked and here you are still adding colour to my life. (holding hands and starring at each other).

Tim:       Dad, Mum; time for family altar as I am about to sleep.

Dad:       Good ,Tim, for reminding us (looking at his watch) it is indeed time.  Let us pray

Song:     When Jesus is in the family

                Happy, happy home 3x

                When Jesus is in the family

                Happy, happy home 2x

Act 2 Scene 2

Dad:       It is that time when Tim must make a decision about what his vocation should be.  Thank God for his A-Level results;  a chip off the old block if you ask me.

Mum:    Thanks for the compliment.  I always knew he had your looks and my brains.

Dad:       Now, now I don’t want to go into any argument.  But I think with his background and interests in Science he should be a rocket scientist exploring the Universe and making information available to us about alien worlds and planets, determining if there is water on Mars to sustain life, discovering more planets and hidden worlds just like I always wanted to before my parents stopped me right in my tracks insisting that we are a family of medical doctors.

Mum:    No, no, he has just the right blend of brilliance and tact to make a good lawyer.  Right from the womb I could feel that we were getting another lawyer in the family.  He will take over my law practice and carry the family name forward.

Dad:       He will be a rocket scientist (arguing and trying to drown each other out with the repetition of the words).

Mum:    He will be a Lawyer (arguing and trying to drown each other out with the repetition of the words).

Tim:       (Coming in and Interrupting the argument) Dad and Mum, I feel God’s calling to full time ministry.  So I am planning to enroll in Bible School next fall.

Act 3 Scene 1

Dad:       Darling I just got an email from Tim.  Should I forward it to your account?

Mum:    Sweetheart, you know I can’t stand this social/new media and stuff.  What happened to the good old letter; what you now derisively refer to as “snail mail”?  Read it to me with that baritone of yours.

Dad:       Here you go

Dear Dad and Mum,

I am well settled in and school work is rigorous and fun.  I have never seen so much passion in prayer and studying the Word.  Teachers and students spend long hours in prayer and the results are amazing.  I got caught up in all of it and I can hear God more clearly.  During our practical training, I was attached to one man of God called Paul and he was so impressed with my work that he has asked me to join his ministry the moment I am done with my studies.  I can’t wait to actually be in the field winning souls for the Lord.  Even when I was with him briefly you should have seen the miracles and signs that followed his ministry.  It is out of this world.  I love you both so much xoxo (he spells it out).  PS: Send more money, my provisions are running low.  Remember, when I am not fasting I need to eat!

Act 3 Scene 2

Dad: Darling, another email from Tim.  I will read it in my baritone voice

Dear Dad and Mum,

After traveling the entire world (it seems). I have finally being given charge of a Church to Pastor.  This is all new territory to me but Apostle Paul has been so helpful.  He wrote me two lengthy epistles about how to conduct myself personally as well as in the ministry.  I have found this of tremendous help in making a success of my ministry.  We have suffered a lot in the work: shipwreck, imprisonment, murderous plots but through it all, the Lord has remained faithful.   I trust your walk with the Lord and Grandma Lois walk is as zealous as I saw growing up in our spirit-filled home.  That foundation has served me well.  I still recall learning in Sunday School from Proverbs Chapter 22:6 - Teach your children right from wrong, and when they are grown they will still do right.   You guys really laid a good foundation.

Paradise Gained

After grueling physical exercise
An enthusiastic wife can press the right buttons
And light up the loins
And the climb very much unlike Pirelli Tyres
Would be power with control
As you meander with great thrust
You can look down to see her satisfied smile
And by the time you reach the top of your mountain
Your sweeping gaze beholds a well-watered garden
And paradise is gained

The Dad’s Test

My son was traumatized by a break-in while we slept the day before that he could not go to sleep the next night. Tried as we may, he kept waking up thinking that the hoodlums were back. So I assured him I would stay awake all night to ensure that they never came back. Every time he woke up in the middle of the night he would see me watching over him. After a few days of returning to his usual sound sleep, he had a compliment for me: “Dad you are strong, brave and selfless”.
I thought about this quickly and replied: “Well, you see if you can’t carry out this task, you don’t get to be Dad. That’s the Dad’s test”.
“You mean if you fail at it, you get to be Mum?” he asked innocently.
That chuckle or outright mirth you hear is from all Dads including yours sincerely for saving a break point from “The Mum’s test”.

Watch that comment and posting on new/social media

The new/social media is the craze of the moment and everyone seems to be lapping it all up. The beauty of new/social media is that it makes for dialogic communication which is inherently human except that now it bridges distances and makes the world truly a McLuhanian global village or better still a town hall.

However, consumers and users of new media are the same old human beings with their virtues and vices. So, what you find is that the same attitude that is present offline has been transferred online. Abusers and haters still ply their trade and put their caustic trademark on news and events as well other person’s comments. The cynical type will coolly point out that it does not add up reporting that the Boko Haram suspect arrested in Enugu who came out of his forest hideout to buy cigarettes but could not find his way back would then lead the Nigerian Police to the same forest hideout that he had trouble finding! The “why always me” (pardon my Balotelli) will recount and lament all the woes that have befallen them. The chauvinists’ throats (hands this time, as in for typing) spew a continuous stream of venomous tirade. The exhibitionists flaunt curves, six packs ….And the beat goes.

What many do not consider is the implication of their postings and comments given that governments and others are now paying attention to social media postings. Perhaps a few examples will serve to bring this home more clearly. Two British tourists were denied entry into the US for tweeting the following: “free this week for a quick gossip… before I go and destroy America” and “3 weeks today we’re totally in LA p-ing people off on Hollywood and diggin Marilyn Monroe up”. They were taken aside when they arrived at Los Angeles Airport, questioned for five hours and deported as in back to sender. How did the US authorities access the humorous tweets between friends? Another valuable lesson from new/social media – there aint no hiding place (pardon my Americanism).

Liam Stacey was jailed for 56 days for racist abuse of Patrice Muamba who suffered a heart attack during the Tottenham and Bolton match at White Hart lane. He had tweeted “LOL (laugh out loud). F*** Muamba is dead!!!” In passing the sentence, the judge according to the Daily Mail noted that: “not just the footballer’s family, not just the footballing world, but the whole world were literally praying for Muamba’s life. Your comments aggravated this situation. I have no choice but to impose an immediate custodial sentence to reflect the public outrage at what you have done.”

Authorities in the West are also mulling jail time for teenagers for sexting – sending sexually suggestive messages and pictures. When an adult wades into these murky waters especially when it concerns minors they will soon be neck deep. Ask Wesley A. Phillips a former Hoquiam High School teacher who was sentenced to thirty days in jail for sending two 12-year-old girls sexually suggestive messages (including the photo of a penis!). It didn’t end there; he was stripped of his teaching certificate and made to register as a sex offender. There is outrage over employers asking employees for their Facebook password.

Justin Bassett got more than he bargained for when during a job interview, after a few preliminary questions, the interviewer started to search for his Facebook page. She could not see his private profile so she asked him for his login information. The profile would presumably speak volumes about the kind of person he is, beyond his slick and prepared answers about his personality! Even in terms of interpersonal, platonic and life-long relationships, a point to ponder- Does your new/social media footprints make you a good candidate?

So before you hit the post button, pause and reflect; probably better to keep your bad behavior offline. Or better still do something about it.

Am I becoming a Cyborg?

I think in Flickr and Instagram; speak in SMS and emoticons; dream in YouTube and Lulu HD; RSS my news; PVR (and DVR) my movies and sports; Avatar my online games, Relax with my Playstation and XBox; BBM, Skype, Facebook my relationships; instant message my contacts; twitter my thoughts; iPad my memories; GPS my driving; compass and map my journeys; Blackberry travel my travels; Master Card and Visa my spending; Blackberry Protect and Find iPhone my cell phones; iTunes, Digital7 and Shazam my music; Siri my commands; Drivesafe.ly and Vlingo my messages; podcast my radio listening; Dictionary.com my spelling and grammar; Google my search; Google Scholar my research, iBooks my books; Weather Channel my weather forecast; iSpeech translator (translate) my Spanish and Swahili emails, Photo Editor my pictures… And the beat goes on, and the beat goes on.
Believe me, my Desktop Computer wrote this while I was sleeping, spell checked and sent it to my blog. Talk of computers having a mind of their own!

Freedom of Information Act and the Nigerian Press and Public as Big Brother

I have just read a news story titled “Kaduna free Ramadan feeding controversy: It’s highly deceptive –ACN]” in the online edition of The Sun newspaper. The Kaduna State government has refused to disclose how much it is spending on Ramadan feeding of Muslims in the state and the Action Congress of Nigeria is accusing the government of going against the spirit and letter of the FOI: “In Kaduna State however, some government officials appear to still be living in the past, as they still find it difficult to volunteer information, as little as the cost that would be required in allegedly feeding certain category of residents of Kaduna, free, throughout the 30 days period of the Ramadan fast.” I knew this was going to happen sooner or later and expect more of these kinds of issues. The reason being that public officers and [s]elected officials in Nigeria are masters of the art of making public (government) business private and shrouding same in secrecy.

The New York State Freedom of Information Law; specifically, Public Officers Law, Article 6 Section 84 Legislative Declaration captures the essence of the FOI Law: “The people’s right to know the process of governmental decision-making and to review the document and statistics leading to determinations is basic to our society. Access to such information should not be thwarted by shrouding it with the cloak of secrecy or confidentiality. The legislature therefore declares that government is the public’s business and that the public, individually and collectively and represented by a free press, should have access to the records of government in accordance with the provision of this article. On a related note, and one of the few times that I am proud to be a Nigerian is contained in the Explanatory Memorandum to the Nigerian FOI Act: "An Act to make public records and information more freely available, provide for public access to public records and information, protect public records and information to the extent consistent with the public interest and the protection of personal privacy, protect serving public officers from adverse consequences for disclosing certain kinds of official information without authorization and establish procedures for the achievement of those purposes and; for related matters.”

But I do know that the noble and ambitious intentions of the FOI will have to clash with the reality of the conduct of the Nigerian government business. The Kaduna issue is just the beginning of the Titanic battle. Even in the U.S., Government agencies have been known to flout the spirit and letter of the law. Treasury Department, the US Air Force, CIA at one time or the other won the Rosemary Award; a doubtful distinction named after Ex-President Nixon’s Secretary –Rose Mary Woods - who erased about eighteen minutes section of a key Watergate conversation on the White House tapes. The beauty of the Nigerian FOI Act is that it anticipates this behavior: “It is a criminal offence punishable on conviction by the Court with a minimum of 1 year imprisonment for any officer or the head of any government or public institution to which this Act applies to willfully destroy any records kept in his [or her] custody or attempts to doctor or otherwise alter same before they are released to any person, entity or community applying for it.” Now, to which past Nigerian leader, master of the art of secrecy and corruption, should we institute and name the Nigerian version of the Rosemary Award after?

In practical terms, the FOI Act means that our servants - the President, Vice President, Ministers, Parliamentarians, Governors, Local government Chairpersons and the plethora of public servants who I do not have the space to mention need to cultivate the habit of looking over their shoulders as big brother (the public; sounds too good to be true ehn?) is watching your every move. When you decide to give that contract to the company that has promised you ten per cent of the contract sum, engage in nepotism so that you less qualified relation gets the position instead of the more qualified compatriot, blatantly steal public funds, embark on a jamboree to foreign lands with wife and children in tow in the guise of attracting investors and all the other misdeeds that have come to characterize government business in Nigeria, know assuredly that we shall apply for that information, which you will provide in seven days! And that is a promise. You would of course try to stall and hide behind all kinds of barriers. The FOI Act also anticipated that move: applicants who do not need to demonstrate any specific reason for asking for the information can approach the courts which will hear the case ex parte. Glory, glory, Hallelujah!

The press which has a bounded duty to hold government accountable on the public’s behalf have a duty to apply for any and every information about government (I mean public) business and make this available. The dry news days are over all of a sudden; this is a news goldmine given the present arrogant and insensitive disposition of public office holders who go against the letter and spirit of the Nigerian constitution that specifies that the welfare of Nigerians is the main purpose of government.

And if the press fails or is compromised, Citizen Imoh, Preye and Zoaka can apply for the information and all that s/he is required to pay is the cost of photocopying the material that can assist in instituting impeachment proceedings against the president, governors and whoever. And when these big men and women, formerly invisible and untouchable demigods begin to fall like a pack of cards, a clear signal would have been sent to the effect that if you do not have the interest of the people at heart, don’t seek public office.

And to public servants and other category of government officials who might be pressured into destroy incriminating records to protect fraudulent and criminal “Excellencies”, the bill protects you as a whistle blower. So, sing like a bird and let their (not our) Excellencies go down alone instead of dragging you down with them. The FOI act has firmly put power back where it was supposed to reside all along – with the Nigerian people. I see a glorious dawn: “Nigeria we hail thee” and so “Arise O Compatriots”.

SWAZILAND WAS RAINING PROFESSORS, RECENTLY

It was raining professors or better still, it was a deluge at the University of Swaziland. As I flew in the midst of egg heads, I noticed the cloud overhang with chances of a few showers (that is me thinking aloud, not a meteorologist, as you would have imagined). The cloud cover would not break as we drove through captivating scenery with gentle-rolling hills, nature-manicured lawns, man-made and well-maintained roads snaking up and down the mountain ranges. I could almost kick myself; why didn’t I know this place when I was getting married donkey years ago. It would have been my first choice for a romantic get away. What a way to start a life-long journey together viewing the mountains, exploring the virgin forest and taking and breathing in, deeply, the traditional ways. But that is a story for another day.
The welome party was at the go as we cleared Customs at the small and compact Swazi Airport; I must remind myself to wake up leisurely on departure day, have a sumptous breakfast and stroll to the Airport one hour to the flight. Afterall, it is not the commotion and complexity of Lagos, Johanneburg or Nairobi airports; where one hour to departure is a sure guarantee that the flight will leave without you. Now the thunder and lighting that accompanies a West African deluge takes centre stage and is to be taken seriously; not empty threats of the Botswana fire and brimstone that passes away with out rain.
The University of Swaziland staff separated luggage into one Kombi (mini-bus) and the visitors into another. To many on this train, I mean mini-bus, this was their umpteenth goings and comings and yours sincerely was just coming for the first time. The novelty of it all inspired this blog (for the records, of course, so you know). Everyone was addressed as “Professor” and the flood, keep in mind the deluge that we kicked off with but you don’t have to suspend disbelief (it is not that complicated) were herded off to Ezulwini Sun Hotel and Resorts, where else but in Ezulwini (what did you expect?). As we checked in, Heads of Deaprtments and other officials started arriving (forget that Saturday is officially a rest day) with graded scripts for the external examiners (who all happened to be professors!) and thus officially kicked off the University of Swaziland annual external examination ritual from Monday May 30th to Friday June 2nd, 2011 or thereabout.
By the afternoon, another rain of more professors and we (I will drint to that) had, officially, taken over the Hotel. How to know this? You just needed to listen to the conversations. It went something like:
“Prof, when I was here last year, this and that was the case”
“Prof, where are you based now? I learnt you left University of Botswana ...”(mum is the word, here)
“Prof, I’d like you to meet, Prof. ...”
“Prof, are you off to town...”
Even the receptionist got into the show. she rang me up, “Prof Akpabio (very professional, did I mention “very professional”?), there is someone at the reception for you”. It turned out to be the Head of Department of Journalism and Mass Communication, bringing more work! How exciting.
Even the Customs and Immigration officers knew their clients were different, I believe the University must have given them a crash induction course as they addressed everyone who moved as “Prof”. Just to be sure, some of the faces, I saw at the airport were not at the hotel and couldn’t possibly have been one of us.
If only the money that academics are paid was commensurate with the respect, acclaim and respect of being a professor, I would have gone on my second honeymoon to Swaziland, of course. Now, wait a minute; did we have a first honeymoon? But as it is, the best I can do is work hard, pray hard for a consultancy so that next year when the University of Swaziland sends me a ticket, I can take my loving wife along for the ride. And as in Germany, where the wife of a PhD holder has a title befitting her remarkable (bold and italics, sometimes Google blogger neglects this, just in case it did again) choice, she can drink in the title (she does not need to exhale, gives more lasting effect, you see) from the University, hotel, customs and Immigration, airlines staff etc. What a honeymoon to remember! What a honeymoon to remember!!
Back to the exercise though; being able to muster so many eggs heads into one space is indeed a remarkable achievement for the University. Mark my words: the institution and country will go places. And I don’t just mean up the ubiquitous mountains that dot the entire country!